Parody on Proverbs 31 (For Men)
by Rachel Keller
Proverbs 31 is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. A
secret passion of mine is to be just like the Proverbs 31 woman, but it seems
the more I try, the more frustrated I become. Reading through the
characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman, I notice that she is a
"perfect" woman--or at least, it seems that way. My goal seems
unattainable, but I persist in my dream.
I often wonder about the husband of this Proverbs 31 woman. Why is there no
description of him? What was he like?
Several years ago, my mother-in-law gave me this "reversed version" of
Proverbs 31 which was read at a ladies' prayer breakfast at her church in 1987.
Dr. Richard Harris, the former pastor of Bethel Baptist Church, reprinted this
on the back of the church's Sunday bulletin. I do not know the originator of
this unique parody.
Proverbs 31 (For Men)
Who can find a loving husband, for his value far exceeds that of a gardener,
handyman, or financier.
The heart of his wife shall safely trust in him whether in the presence of a
beguiling lady or a lonely woman seeking a listening ear.
He spendeth more time at home than on the golf course, bowling alley, or hunting
trip.
He exerciseth restraint when bicycles and roller skates clutter the driveway.
He accepteth strawberry jelly kisses and peanut butter hugs with gladness.
He fixeth dump trucks and disjointed Barbie dolls with equal skills.
When wife screameth, he runneth to rescue and steppeth on a black spider without
ado.
He forgetteth not wife's birthday and anniversary.
He noticeth wife's new dress, hairdo, shoes and purse, and complimenteth her
accordingly.
He remembereth her beauty during uncomfortable pregnancies and showeth patience
when new baby demandeth her time.
Shampoos, rinses, conditioners, assorted combs, curlers, and hair spray leaveth
him confused, but he pondereth them all in silence.
He is not the perfectionist that thinketh an unmade bed or unwashed dishes
indicateth laziness.
He hangeth curtains, fixeth faucets, and repaireth steps promptly, and thanketh
the Lord that wife naggeth not.
He goeth to ball games and cheereth enthusiastically for son's team whether
winning or losing.
He patiently endureth piano, clarinet, and violin lessons and sitteth on front
row at recital.
When in-laws cometh to visit, he maketh them welcome.
He occasionally goeth shopping with wife and refraineth from grumbling, though
lingerie and millinery appealeth to him not, and he secretly hopeth no other
male seeth him.
When waiting for wife in car, he resisteth temptation to blow horn; upon
departure, he accelerateth at normal speed.
He keepeth temper under control while helping children with modern math and
applaudeth grades received, but he comprehendeth them not.
He refuseth not to attend Team Fellowship meetings and school Christmas
programs.
He bestoweth affection lavishly on wife and children and remembereth to express
appreciation verbally.
He communicateth freely with wife, doth not pout and sulk during time of
disagreement.
His strength supporteth family in times of crises, yet he showeth tenderness and
compassion.
He calmly accepteth wife's bewildering ways, though he may never fully
understand her, he loveth her just the same.
Meet him at the door with combed hair, freshly pressed dress and powdered nose.
Greet him with a smile, a kiss and a warm welcome, for he is a priceless
treasure.
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Submitted by Rachel Keller